Of Home-Wreckers and Husband-Stealers: Why Is It Always the Woman’s Fault?

Dexter actor Michael C. Hall and his wife, Jennifer Carpenter, are divorcing.  The first question the media required itself to ask is, of course, who was the hussy who broke up the marriage?  No hard evidence yet?  No problem!  Just name the woman who worked most closely with Hall, or Julia Stiles, then say she was “the target of rumors she was a ‘third party’ in the breakup.”  People magazine gets cover by stating it as rumor (also known as the “we have to talk about it because people are talking about it” excuse used to disseminate often-false but ratings-gold innuendo), and Stiles gets to have millions of people who don’t know her think she’s a low-down, dirty, man-thieving Jolene.

In the same vein, “reports” have surfaced that infidelity “may have been” at the root of the recent breakup of People’s 2010 Sexiest Man Alive Ryan Reynolds and FHM’s 2006 Sexiest Woman Alive Scarlett Johansson.  The vile temptress potentially at fault here is Reynolds’ Green Lantern co-star Blake Lively, a gorgeous, busty young mostly-blonde who may have taken him from his gorgeous, busty young sometimes-blonde wife.  Or may not have.  “May not have” doesn’t sell papers or get hits, though, and blaming a guy who seems really nice and down-to-earth and safe People-sexy is just depressing.  It’s easier to bring a Gossip Girl into the mix.

The most high-profile scandalous break-up in the past year or so, besides the Tiger Woods Affairs, is probably the LeAnn Rimes divorce.  I mention only her because honestly, if you don’t obsessively read pop culture news like we do, can you name the other three people involved?  Can you even name the guy she supposedly “stole” from his wife?  (Synopsis: country singer LeAnn Rimes and actor Eddie Cibrian supposedly began an affair on the set of Northern Lights.  Rimes divorced Dean Sheremet, Cibrian divorced Brandi Glanville; and Rimes and Cibrian have been together ever since.)  The astute TBTS reader might think, “Hmm, sounds like Cibrian may have had a part in this, too.”  Well, Shape magazine Editor-In-Chief Valerie Latona disagrees with you.  She sent this missive to readers explaining the “mistake” of putting a bikinied Rimes on the cover of Shape:

“Please know that our putting her on the cover was not meant to put a husband-stealer on a pedestal, but to show (through her story) how we all are human. And this woman in particular found strength in exercise in what she said was her most difficult personal moment.”

It’s hard to see that as even a back-handed compliment, but “husband-stealer”?  First, to steal is to take something without the owner’s permission.  No one owns Eddie Cibrian, not even (obviously) his wife.  He appears to be human, and thus probably has free will.  As such, Eddie Cibrian was likely very much involved in his own “stealing” from his wife.  To paraphrase my first and probably last comment to Shape, it is highly unlikely that he innocently accepted a strange-smelling drink from Rimes, then hours later woke up dazed with his dick in her; then, repulsed by the fracture of his marital covenant, he decided to continue down this dark path with his seductress so as not to further sully the honor of his former bride, this normally doesn’t happen and is when is important how to act after, and if presenting a divorce, finding the right divorce mediation arizona cost, in case you live in that state.

Yet, somehow, Rimes has taken almost all of the blame.  Maybe that’s because the woman is, for whatever reason, often seen as the aggressor.  If initiative is the issue, one would expect that if the tables were turned—a guy “steals” a woman from her husband—the “other man” would feel the wrath of public opinion, right?  Ask Meg Ryan, America’s pre-Julia Roberts sweetheart who was “stolen” from Dennis Quaid by Russell Crowe, how that worked out.  Her reputation has never recovered, while Crowe has starred in seemingly every epic film since 2000.

Maybe it’s that society still refuses to accept or try to understand that the female sexual appetite is very similar to men’s—too similar, in fact, for a lot of people’s comfort.  Maybe it’s that men are still seen as being virtually powerless against their own libidos, while women are expected to have unfailing control over their sexual impulses.  More likely, a host of psychological, sociological, cultural, political, and perhaps even physical (but see “Will, Free” earlier) factors combine to explain this phenomenon, much better explored in academic journals than here.

The appropriateness or in- of a woman, married or not, pursuing a married man is not the issue here.  I find more interesting the fact that in matters of infidelity, the woman catches most of the hell.  (Please recall an obscure incident years ago that involved people named Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie.)  When it comes to matters of love and sex, I have found few truer sayings than these: 1) Only two people—at most—know what’s going on in a relationship; and 2) It takes two to tango.