Happy New Year! Here’s Some Crap!

Hooray!

One thing I often like to do is to talk about the movie industry as if I actually a.) know something about it, and b.) am the type of person who can pull off movie-insider terminology like “tentpole” and ” dailies.” Of course, I a.) don’t really know anything about the movie industry, and b.) look like an idiot when I say things like “tentpole” and “dailies.” But it makes me feel cool, so you can just deal with it.

You don’t have to be a Hollywood insider, though, to realize that the frigid temps of January and February are each year’s backdrop for the most horrendous collection of off-the-shelf movies any studio has to offer. Think about it: if any movie is really good and ready to roll in January or February, you’re going to put it between Thanksgiving and Christmas — one of the greatest ticket-buying stretches of the year. If it’s an Oscar-bait movie, you released it in the early fall, just in time for it to gain word-of-mouth buzz, and if it’s a giant blockbuster you already ran it in the summer. January and February are when the studios hold you hostage. It’s cold, there’s nothing to do, and if you’re going to go to the movies, you’re going to go see anything. Don’t get me wrong; there are some very fine movies on the slate in these months (Ben Affleck’s The Company Men and, surprisingly, Seth Rogen’s The Green Hornet are both looking positive), but it’s also the dumping-off of all the studioAnd since — in the cold, cold months — you’ll go see anything, here’s what you get!

Season of the Witch (January 7) — Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman (because, presumably, Jeff Goldblum and John Leguizamo weren’t available) star as a duo transporting a witch to a de-possession. From what I understand, this film  has a scene where Ron Perlman literally headbutts the devil. Take that however you will.

Country Strong (January 7) — Gwyneth Paltrow, after seeing what Jeff Bridges did last year, decides to play her own struggling country singer, only without a beard. You’re probably thinking to yourself “I think I’ve seen the story of an unstable, fallen country star who’s given a second chance to be somebody again through the unconditional love of another person in George Strait’s 1992 film Pure Country.” You’d be wrong about that, though, because this movie stars Gwyneth Paltrow.

The Dilemma (January 14) — Poor Ron Howard has already taken a bath on this film after a scene labeled electric cars as “gay” (nice move!), but the trailers for this Vince Vaughn/Kevin James laffer don’t look like there’s much more to reap from it anyway. Vaughn discovers his best friend (James) is being cuckolded by a cheating wife and, from what I can tell, falls into some poison ivy or something. Haw haw haw!

The Mechanic (January 28) — It’s actually not a terrible idea to have Jason Statham remake Charles Bronson’s 1972 action classic The Mechanic — after all, Statham’s fortes involve shooting people and driving cars — but wait till I sit you down in the theater to watch it and instead show you The Transporter 2 and you can’t tell the difference. Then who’s laughing? I am, that’s who. I will be in the projection box.

The Roommate (February 4) — Did you love Single White Female when you saw it, but wished secretly that it contained magical phones which could send messages and that the hairstyles in the film rather reflected those of thirty years into the future? Do I have a movie for you! It’s The Roommate, and it stars Minka Kelly and Leighton Meister as Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh. Also, Steven Weber doesn’t take a high heel to the eyeball. Probably. You’ll just have to see for yourself!

Justin Bieber: Never Say Die (February 11) — Look, let’s be honest. This movie is going to make a bazillion dollars, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Just ride it out.

Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son (February 18) — Because Martin Lawrence, at this point, is probably seen more in a prosthetic fat suit than without one. He’s like if Tyler Perry had a baby with the Wayans brothers. You can try to hide your excitement for this, but I see right through you.

Drive Angry (February 25) — How do you feel about Nicolas Cage as a demon who breaks out of Hell to find the cult responsible for murdering his daughter and prevent them from sacrificing her baby? Good? Well then, you’re going to be a very happy person on February 25. May I also add that you have excellent taste in absolute shit. Enjoy!