The Spring and Summer in Fast-Forward: What You’ll See and Read Over the Next Five Months

Now that Spring is in full bloom, the entertainment media will ensure that you get your fill of celebrity puff-piece journalism.  However, with the rodent-like proliferation of the now- and once-famous dancing, working on business projects, or rehabbing, The Brown Tweed Society will attempt to simplify your viewing/reading schedule.  Time is money, after all, and you need to know how to maximize your trashertainment minute and dollar.

MAGAZINES:

1. At least 15% of all stories between now and fall will deal either with baby-bumps or post-baby bikini bods.  An additional 10% will be about a recently-pregnant celebrity “introducing” his/her invariably beautiful baby girl/boy to the world.  Said celebrity will explain, in exhausted wonderment, how having this first or second child “has changed my life.”  (Note: there will be no coverage of the birth/acquisition of the third or later child, unless you are a Jolie-Pitt or a Duggar.)
2. Another 15% will feature workout/diet regimens— “regimes” for short—that got so-and-so’s body “beach-ready.”  These exercises will require $5000 pieces of equipment that you don’t have access to, while the food will include obviously made-up things you can’t find anywhere, like jibjib root or oxalo-algal extract.  Most pictures will be of Matthew McConaughey surfing, NOT acting, which he has mostly given up to pursue motor-home lounging.
3. Celebrity weddings: they will all be exactly the same, unless they’re secret.  “Secret” means that neither person was famous enough for paparazzi to try to sneak into the ceremony for pictures, which means we don’t know if they’re exactly the same, which they probably were.  Most of the marriages will end 24-36 months later because both parties “wanted different things,” which they apparently failed to discuss before they got married.
4. Bad things that happened to celebrities, or to people who will briefly become celebrities because of some reallymessed up stuff, like they accidentally got injected with snake DNA during a botched botox treatment.  The following combinations of the person’s gaze and camera angle will tell you what has happened:
   1. Angle from slightly below, person looking to the side:  Celebrity has overcome a potentially fatal disease/accident but still has a ways to go, or has come to terms with the death of a loved and will say something inspirational.  (Note: often accompanied by sunrise/sunset viewed from the celebrity’s expansive backyard or nature setting.  Pet or horse optional.)
   2. Angle from slightly below, person looking into camera: Celebrity, smiling triumphantly, has fully overcome a potentially fatal disease/accident by (including, but not limited to) running a marathon on a prosthetic leg attached after a car accident; swimming in a heated indoor shark-free pool after a shark attack; riding a bike after prostate cancer; dating a much-younger colleague after becoming old.
   3. Angle at eye-level, person looking to the side: Celebrity, not smiling, has experienced a tragedy that wasn’t anyone’s fault.
   4. Angle at eye-level, person looking into camera: Celebrity, not smiling, has experienced a tragedy that was someone’s fault, someone who fucked up big-time.

MOVIES:

1.  Most new releases will be super-hero movies “unlike any super-hero movie you’ve seen.”  They will be exactly like other super-hero movies you’ve seen.
2. Shitty rom-coms with vaguely literate titles featuring an under-heralded young actress coming off an acclaimed part in an indie film, and a fresh-faced hunky newish actor who recently rocketed to fame by doing one action movie where he lent a slight amount of depth and humor to an otherwise one-dimensional character.  Both careers will stall for a year.
3. A mid-size studio’s Oscar-bait movie about a family in turmoil that should have been released in November.

TV:

1. Nothing but reality shows and procedurals with actors you don’t like anymore.  Get AMC or Netflix.

This is typically how I read at the beach, except that I am asleep and not reading.

BOOKS:

1. The only books allowed to be discussed until September will be “beach-reads” featured on morning shows.  They fall into three categories:
   1. The 30- or 40-something woman who rediscovers shopping and friends after her divorce.  Look for brightly colored polka dots on the cover.  This book will be described as “delightful.”
   2. The quirky detective who solves mysteries in NYC/LA/NOLA with darkish humor and oddball affectations.  On the cover, look for a normally non-threatening object (like a rubber duck) with blood on it.  This book will also be described as “delightful.”
   3. The token “heavier” book written by an author from a country the U.S. has invaded in the last 10 years, or an affected neighboring country.  It will be titled something exotic and esoteric and possibly computer-generated, like A God Too Far or The Shape of Jasmine.  Do not be shocked to see a rusted tricycle with bent handlebars on the cover.  This book will be described as “important, a triumph.”
2. You’ll get an e-reader within two years.  Just give in.

There.  Now you can spend time doing other springy and summery things like eating grilled corn and brats (I read somewhere that they’re better for you if you grill them), drinking lighter beers, swatting bugs, and not walking or riding your bike more.