TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending August 6, 2011)

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.

1.  George Clooney Dating Again:

That’s what he does.  He dates people.  A lot of people, if you read everything written about him.  His rakish charm simply cannot be resisted.  Now that he has split with Italian Elisabetta Canalis, he has been seen with ex-WWE athlete (actor?) Stacey Keibler.  Scandalous, him dating people and all!  You know what?  Good for him, and her.  If they’re both getting what they need out of their relationship or non-relationship, more power to them.  Clooney said that he married once and doesn’t plan on doing it again, so you know what?  If he and Keibler don’t date forever, he (and she!) may even date more people before he dies.  It may be a good thing that this happened, or the press would soon have had to make up something about Jennifer Aniston.

2.  Has To Be Close To Statutory:

I’m not one to question an age gap because I know several couples with a 9+ year difference who work super well together.  And it’s not really anyone’s business anyway.  But 16-year-old “country singer” Courtney Stodder married to 51-year-old Somebody Something seems more than a little creepy, mostly because every picture I’ve seen of her involves her sexy-facing her porn lips and trying to act sexified while looking about 42 while being freaking 16!  Seriously, where are her parents, and is that shit even legal?  Man, the way she’s going, she’ll make Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton’s career trajectories look meteoric by comparison.

3.  Nicki Minaj Wardrobe Malfunction:

Blow-up doll lookalike Nicki Minaj was singing her grammar-slaughtering “Where Them Girls At” on ABC when she accidentally showed some boobie.  All children who witnessed this immediately humped their stuffed animals and started worshipping Satan.  So that our innocent children will not grow up to be slavering, sexually-depraved, porn-addicted miscreants, all women who wish to appear on TV or the internet or in person must henceforth be forced to wear niqabs in order that this may never happen again.  Or America could grow the fuck up and realize that, contrary to what you think, your kids have already seen breasts and didn’t kill anyone or screw the neighbor’s dog.

4.  A Ceiling Was Raised:

Not sure if it was the same thing as raising the roof, but we had to go through a bunch of crap to pay people what we told them we would pay them.

Thanks, entertainment media, for bringing to everyone’s attention a fleeting moment of “nudity” that people probably would have missed anyway, but had to be brought to attention because it’s the type of thing that’s not supposed to be brought to attention!