TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending August 20, 2011)

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Kim Kardashian Will Probably Spend A Lot on Her Wedding:

You knew this day was coming, but even so, you’re not prepared.  No one is prepared for the spectacle that will be the Kardashian-Humphries wedding and reception tonight.  Will it cost $30 million, or $1 zillion?  The internet is up in arms about how much will be spent to celebrate her nuptial union.  Commentators say that, given these hard (well, for most) economic times, maybe Kardashian should tone it down and go with a less expensive, simpler party?  Hahahaha!  KK didn’t get where she is by doing anything sensibly or responsibly.  She has made a quite lucrative career in self-promotion entirely out of excess.  You think that now, in her moment of triumph, she would practice some moderation?  How cute.

2.  Brangelina Do Rich People Stuff:

The press seem to like Brad and Angelina, but can’t help but sneak in little digs when they do wealthy things like take privately-chartered train to their rented 16^th-century Scottish mansion.  Well guess what?  They’re obscenely wealthy.  They took a privately chartered train because they could.  They’re not staying at a Motel 6 because they don’t have to.  The last time I paid $50 for a hotel room, I (stupidly) answered a knock on the door, revealing two sketchy dudes—one with a clouded glass eye—who said they “needed to see my bathroom.”  (They were maintenance men but had not announced themselves as such.)

Yes, Brad and Angelina are ridiculously loaded, in part because of the media’s obsession with them.  If they want to eat $500 meals every day for the rest of their lives, more power to them.  If they want to eat White Castle Sliders instead, well, cool.  If I were that rich, I’d probably do some ignurt shit like build a two-mile-long water flume or completely bankroll Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles seasons 3-7.  At least Brangelina are doing some good, charitable, socially-conscious work with their money.  And taking the occasional medieval-themed vacation.

3.  People On Jersey Shore Do Controversial Stuff:

Identical twins apparently slept with The Situation on the newest season of Jersey Shore, and some peeps are having a hard time figuring out whether this is legal/illegal, pervy, or incestuous.  The basic question, however, should be, “Why are you shocked that you are shocked at anything that happens on Jersey Shore?”  The whole idea of that show is to see people with no real jobs or inhibitions get drunk and fight and screw.  So when one of them does something that might not be nicely nestled in the mainstream of acceptable sexual practices, OMG!  (Though you should ask guys what they think about relations with hot identical twins.  Their answers probably won’t surprise you.)  Hey viewers and media enablers: you asked for it, you got it.

4.  Presidential Campaigning:

So it’s 15 months until the next presidential election, and like a dozen rich, crazy people are angling for the position.  Oh, and if they have jobs, they’re essentially getting paid not to work and to stump for themselves—good work if you can get it!  Jesus, our government is messed up.

Thanks, entertainment media, for helping make people rich for not the greatest reasons, then needling them for spending money the way rich people do!