TBTS TalkRoach™: Gossip That Refuses to Die (Week Ending October 1, 2011)

(The Brown Tweed Society’s TalkRoach™ highlights mundane, ridiculous, and outright unbelievable pop culture stories that should have fizzled after a day—or should never have been news in the first place—but have somehow survived.)

1.  Celebrities Who May Never Have Been Dating Now Probably Aren’t Dating:

Taylor Lautner, werewolfy star of the Twilight series, and his Abduction co-star Lily Collins have apparently split, according to “a source.”  The two never went public with their maybe-romance (can’t imagine why not), but we know it’s true because Lautner said about his Abduction script co-reading with Collins, “You can feel some sort of chemistry or a connection when you are reading a script with someone for the first time.  And that was totally the case with Lily.”  That totes means they were doing it!  Or maybe that he was excited that the person he’d be working closely with for a few months was actually someone he could get along with.  Whatever.  That’s not exciting, so instead, a source whose identity cannot be revealed to us says that a pairing that may never have occurred is over.  Now we’ll have to go back to caring about other stuff.

2.  Actress Has Child, Won’t Tell Us

How do we know it won't be a MUTANT BABY?!

Who the Father Is:

January Jones had a child and we, the viewing public at large, still don’t know the identity of the baby-daddy.  Dammit, we’ve got a right to know, havent’ we?  I mean, we spent money to see X-Men: First Class, we watch Love Actually once a year, and we (probably don’t) pay to watch Mad Men.  WE DEMAND TO KNOW WHO THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILD IS, FAMOUS STRANGER!  Because when January Jones decided to be famous, she must have signed some contract that dissolved her right to privacy and gave us access, through TMZ and OMG and maybe LOLCATS, to every lurid detail of her life down to the color and consistency of her morning bowel movements, right?  So pestering someone about an intimate detail regarding an infant is pretty much a given.  Perhaps we’ll have to get the NSA in on this before Ms. Jones realizes the severity of this pop culture lacuna and what it means for our nation’s security.

3.  Jesse James Probably Not Getting Married Again, Again:

Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband and tattoo aficionado Kat Von D are again calling off their impending wedding.   See, they were going to get married, and then they weren’t.  And then they supposedly reconciled and stayed on track to get married, but now they aren’t.  Von D (or perhaps just D?) took to Facebook to say, “I am not in a relationship, and I apologize for all the ‘back and forth’ if it’s caused any confusion.”  It actually caused no confusion because no one gives a shit, but thanks for your concern.  We’ll be waiting here doing everything we normally do while you and JJ figure things out.

4.  Presidential Debates, Already:

The Republican presidential candidates have already had 3 or 4 debates and are scheduled to have about another 40 before the convention.  It’s going to be a long 13 months…

Thanks, entertainment media, for informing us about the demise of relationships that maybe never were!