The Entertation Index: November 14

Cage, Nicolas – The financially troubled actor was seen in Anchorage, AK, purchasing a $2000 steak knife that includes mammoth ivory in the handle.  Incidentally, Mammoth Ivory was reported to be the name of Cage’s next shitty movie.

Link: Cage’s New Blade (TMZ)

"Seriously, have you seen the 'Farting Preacher' video?"

Clooney, George – The super-famous actor gets pretty honest in a Rolling Stone interview, saying that he loves everything about farts: “We think it’s one of the funniest things in the history of mankind. Even the idea of a fart makes me laugh. Saying the word ‘fart’ makes me laugh. I have iFart on my phone. I have remote whoopee cushions. Farts. To me, there’s nothing funnier.”  And he really doesn’t care what people think of his new movie, Ides of March: “It’s not designed for everybody to see, but I don’t give a sh*t.  I don’t need to be more famous and we shot it for $12 million, so anything we do is nice.”  In other words, George Clooney just admitted to having “fuck-you” money.

Link: Clooney Blurbs (Rolling Stone)

Crystal, Billy – The venerated comedian will replace Eddie Murphy as the host of the 2012 Academy Awards.  Apparent criteria for the job: must have been funny in the 1980s, but not have done much of anything in the last 10 years.  Joe Piscopo could not be reached.

Link: Crystal to Host Oscars (NY Daily News)

Simpson, Jessica – The preggers actress is experiencing the odd food cravings typical of a woman with child: “I crave cantaloupe like a crazy person, but I put salt all over it…”  Crazy people scoffed at Simpson’s comments by noting that an actual insane person would crave cantaloupe by eating 57 of them in one day, and then worshipping the rind.

Link: Simpson’s Cravings (People)

Stern, Howard – The controversial DJ is rumored to be in talks with NBC to replace America’s Got Talent judge Piers Morgan.  As a result, all the show’s winners must henceforth be drunken coeds who have appeared on Girls Gone Wild DVDs.

Link: Stern to Join America’s Got Talent? (Wall Street Journal)

Stewart, Kristen – The Twilight actress stars in Snow White & The Huntsman, premiering next summer, which tells the famous fairy tale…a bit differently.  If this does well, watch for other non-traditional retellings of old favorites, like the one where Papa Bear goes to work on Goldilocks with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.

Link: Stewart’s New Film (Apple Trailers)