That Time I Was a Bitch to Steve Zahn

Hubby and I bought a house a few years ago, and during our move we inevitably ran out of paper towels/Clorox wipes/toilet paper/whatever and had to make a Target run. Our town has two Targets, and for whatever reason the Target where we ended up has pretty narrow aisles in the cleaning supply section. I was making my way down the back aisle with our cart full of what-have-you, and there was an abandoned cart blocking my path.

“Who left their fucking cart in the middle of the aisle!?!” I remember saying to my husband. I looked down the side-aisle for the culprit and spotted the thoughtless bastard about halfway down: mid-thirties, shorts, oversize t-shirt, floppy hair. He looked at me, and I returned his gaze with a stare of utter and complete contempt I reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater. Mr. Thoughtless Bastard shuffled over to his abandoned cart, muttered “Sorry” under his breath, and moved it out of my way.

I pushed past him, but hubby stopped and made eye contact with Mr. Bastard for what felt like an uncomfortably long time. Mr. Bastard stared back. Finally, hubby said, “You look really familiar.” Without missing a beat, Mr. Bastard deadpanned, “I shop here all the time.” Hubby laughed awkwardly and walked down the aisle to join me. As we rounded the corner, he exclaimed in realization, “Ohmygod, that was Steve Zahn!”

It’s commonly known that Steve Zahn and his wife live near our town and are often spotted at local restaurants and sporting events, but I had never before seen him out and about. We walked past the aisle again and, sure enough, it was Steve Zahn. Steve motherflippin’ Zahn! And I had just been a complete bitch to him. (Having retrieved his cart, he was now standing in the aisle making angryface at a toilet brush, so… there’s that.)

In my defense, it had been a long and stressful week. I was exhausted from the move and not happy about being in Target at 10 o’clock on a Saturday night. The cart in the aisle was the final, ridiculously trivial straw. In hindsight it wasn’t that big of a deal, but at the time I wanted to beat him over the head with that toilet brush. So, Steve Zahn, if you’re reading this, I’d like to say I’m sorry. You did not deserve my stare of contempt or my bitchy proclamations. I was having a bad night and taking it out on you. I’m actually a fan of yours and I celebrate your entire catalog (I loved you in Reality Bites!)

But, you know, in the future, maybe you could just not leave your cart in the middle of the aisle? Kthxbai.