Estranged Brew Review: Michelob ULTRA 19th Hole

Photo by J.St.O

Quaffable in question

Fine print:

• Anheuser-Busch, sub-brand Michelob ULTRA, www.michelobultra.com.com
• Flavored ale: “malt beverage with natural flavors, caramel color, and Rabiana-A“
• 1 pint (16 fl. oz.)
• 4% ABV
• Tag line: “ULTRA 19th Hole delivers crisp iced tea and sweet lemonade with an ULTRA twist….”

On the first swig, I thought: hey, it’s not so bad; it’s actually pretty good. The blend of tea, lemonade, and light booze *is* refreshing. I imagined myself drinking a few of these after a grueling afternoon of yardwork or, fancy that, shagging some balls with some comrades. Following that, my thoughts turned to riffs on locker-room humour hinging on unclever references to 19th holes crowded by eager, half-drunk idiots looking to score a hole in one. Hack. Etc.

But…

After six or so sips, it all goes downhill from there, but I can’t fault this malt beverage. To wit, I found myself thinking of a truly disgusting product: that of the union of my old man and a prostitute, revealed to my family just a few weeks before Christmas.

Happy holidays, everybody!

See, I had originally planned to write about a few good times with the patriarch Risteárd St. Orts, mostly  revolving around golf and drinking and swinging clubs like something out of Kenny Rogers’ Jackass crossed with Dorf. Only even less funny.

I just became a father only moments ago, essentially. I don’t worry much about “the sins of the father” bullshit, but this gives me pause, you know? So, maybe you can forgive me for failing to muster some measure of lightheartedness amid such shock. I will make it up to each and every one of you. Especially you.

Verdict

Looking past all that familial nonsense, ULTRA 19th Hole is kinda delicious, stupid porno-sounding name notwithstanding. The flavor profile approaches that of Snapple’s excellent Half n’ Half. Hell, even the diet version proves very good, and I usually avoid artificial sweeteners. Too bad the Snapple product has no alcohol.

As far as infidelity goes, don’t do it. Get out of the relationship if you need to, but don’t make it even more devastating by lying, checking out emotionally, and taking the easy way out. From one new, primed father to an old, busted father, good luck meeting your myopic gaze in the mirror.

And now back to the “LPs from the Attic” ranch and dreams of making, at least, par as a dad. Cheers.

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