Things That Should Not Be: Ocean Reef’s Alpha Underwater Cellular Phone System

October 11, 2009

tags: Alpha UWCP, Ocean Reef, Underwater Cell Phone

I was reading a website that does scuba gear product reviews and a question formed in my mind. Ever wanted to make or take a phone call while scuba diving? No? Well, can you think of any situation in which you would want to? Really? Not even if the whole world was burning and you needed to get home right away? Oh, good point. I guess the ocean would be a good place to hole up if every square mile of land was covered in fire.

Let’s try this another way. Say you’re a wealthy, Type-A asshole who can’t stand to be away from work for a single moment, even when you’re swimming in the sea. You’re about to feed a school of bar jack when your company’s vice president calls and says that a Major Client with A Big Account needs you to run some numbers. Instead of being inaccessible on a private cruise ship getting serviced by aspiring actresses and letting your minions do the work, you can take the call on your Ocean Reef Alpha UWCP (Underwater Cellular Phone). Underwater. If things go well, your coworkers can even listen in as you are torn to shreds by a tiger shark.

Still not sold? Watch this commercial. It’s especially frustrating because the diver calls his wife(?) to ask if she’s at home, presumably setting her up for the punchline. She says, “No, not yet. I’m stuck in this terrible traffic.” To which he replies, “Wow, that’s awful. Well, guess what? I’m at the bottom of the fucking ocean, calling you from an underwater cell phone! What do you think about that? HAHAHAHAHA!” Actually, he doesn’t say that. He says, “Don’t worry, I’m in traffic too. See you later, then,” with just a hint of a knowing smirk in his voice. No, no, no. You don’t buy ridiculously-priced, useless junk to enjoy in contented solitude. You buy it so that you can lord it over people. Do you think Larry Ellison and Donald Trump pay $1000 to eat a white truffle they’ll shit out 12 hours later because they like the taste? You do? Well you’re wrong, and that’s why you and the guy in the commercial will never be super-rich assholes. Just comfortably rich, decent human beings.

How does the Alpha UWCP work? Through science: a cable runs 40 meters from your cell-phone-containing mask to a transmitter box in a buoy floating on the surface. The buoy sports flags so that people who are attempting to actually enjoy their vacations and normally would have avoided you can now run you over with their rented Sea-Doos. Either way you win, since nothing says “dedication” like working from the briny deep or from a hospital bed recovering from propeller gashes in your skull.

This article has proved irrefutably that you need to buy this thing. If you don’t, you’ll regret it forever. In fact, at $1790 (the actual price), buy two. You can find the Alpha UWCP at Ocean Reef’s website and, of course, SkyMall.