Hey Aziz, if you’re reading this, and if you really are a lot lonelier than people think you are, stop by sometime.
Hey people who haven’t heard Aziz Ansari’s new album Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening or seen the Comedy Central special of the same name, you’re not getting my joke and are probably thinking I’m Aziz’s stalker. But that’s totally not true yet!!
But I am loving Aziz Ansari these days, and here’s why:
1. Intimate Moments… contains some of the best comedy I’ve heard in years. It’s a perfect mixture of intelligence and accessibility. The accessibility is a simple matter—he talks about places, people and things everybody knows. Coldstone Creamery, CVS, Facebook, MTV, wasting time on the Internet, etc.
But he does so with great intelligence, which I hear primarily in the stories/scenarios Ansari constructs and in the ways he plays with language. He makes jokes that kill out of how he’s never heard two particular words (one of which is “fucking”) in the same sentence before, the best sentence ever said during a comedy show (which is funny because it comes from Kanye West), and how a simile can only be completed by returning to the original thing to be compared, because nothing is worse than that original thing (which involves giving oral pleasure in exchange for goods and services).
Not many comedians can mine for humor the English language itself without coming off like the stuffy pedants that politely chortle at their own clever wordplay every Saturday morning on NPR (I love that shit, by the way. “Says You” is the fuckin’ bomb!). But my boy Aziz does it strikingly well—those punks on “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” should take notes.
Speaking of Kanye West, that brings me to Ansari’s way with a story. His bits about Kanye just kill, and they hinge completely on Ansari’s friendship with the famous rapper and the comedian’s willingness to disclose potentially embarrassing stuff. There are other comedians who take a similar approach fairly well (including everything Kathy Griffin has ever said, ever), but I especially appreciate Ansari’s ability to also tell great stories about people we DON’T know. If you only listen to one bit from Intimate Moments…, it should probably be the sequence about Aziz’s cousin Harris. If you’re like me, you’ll end the bit having a) laughed your ass off, b) realized that the sentence “Fuck Will Smith!” is pretty much always funny, but especially in the context of a well-timed Facebook status comment, and c) drawn a clear mental picture of Aziz’s cousin Harris and started to wish he were your cousin so you could make fun of him on Facebook too. Amateur comedians, listen and take notes, because that’s how you tell a story. It’s right up there with the Family Cookout bit from Eddie Murphy’s Delirious (“And then she said, ‘Goonie goo goo.’”).
2. Ansari plays Tom Haverford, one of the best characters on Parks and Recreation, one of TV’s best comedies. I’ve gushed so much about Aziz’s stand-up that I won’t go on too long here, but I will exhort you to check out this season of Parks and Recreation, especially if you watched the initial six-episode season last summer and decided that it wasn’t for you. I almost did the same thing, but I decided to give Season 2 a chance, and for the love of Ron Swanson, I’m glad I did. The Office is in the tank this year, but Parks and Rec is flying high. One of the biggest reasons for the show’s ability to draw consistent laughs is Tom Haverford, ladies man.
3. I thought Funny People was better than most people wanted to give it credit for. But I’m pretty sure that even many of the people who hated the movie liked Ansari’s bit part as RAAAAAAAANDY, a genius knock-off of those dreadful hack comedians who can only get laughs by telling jokes about their weiners. I love it, and I haven’t even watched Ansari’s short films, in the character of RAAAAAAAANDY (that’s right, eight A’s, ‘cuz RAAAAAAAANDY’s a straight baller), on Funny or Die, so I’ve got those to look forward to. There’s also a great eight-minute RAAAAAAAANDY bit on the new album. But, if you go to watch any of these bits, be warned. You ’bout to get dealt with.
4. As the girls who have received one of his mix CD’s can probably attest (another joke from the album…just go get the damn thing already), Ansari has killer musical taste. As evidenced in his iTunes and AOL playlists, the guy knows his stuff, from Beach House to the Beach Boys, from Ghostface to the Zombies.
So Aziz, next time you’re Googling your own name on your Blackberry while driving, here’s another celebrity crush declaration that I hope pops up.
Or a strong declaration of appreciation for your talent, at least. I’m still figuring out the rest of my feelings. I’m pretty sure I’m still at the point, though, where I can be swayed by mix CDs.
Ads, Super Bowl – After the nation’s top ad houses rolled out their new campaigns and commercials Sunday night during the Super Bowl, USA Today ranked a Snickers’ spot starting Betty White as the best of the ads. The worst? Every other single Super Bowl commercial.
Link: Best and Worst Super Bowl Ads (CBS)
Cop, Axe – Are you disappointed that there aren’t more flute cops, telescope guns and dinosaur soldiers in the low-budget comic books you’re reading? Then check out the first episode of Axe Cop, an online comic drawn by award-winning illustrator Ethan Nicolle from a story dictated — no joke — by his five year-old brother Malachi Nicolle. It’s sheer brilliance. So why aren’t you clicking the link below right now?
Link: Axe Cop
Gaga, Lady – Though she’s no stranger to the Index, this Lady Gaga item isn’t as much about the Grammy-winning diva as it is our first president and a wacky artist. Artist Craig Gleason has taken to drawing the dance club songstress’ bizarre outfits and looks over the image of George Washington on various one-dollar bills. It should also be noted that one dollar is about 92 cents more than I’d pay anyone to draw a picture of Lady Gaga on anything. But they are kinda fun.
Link: Lady Gaga Morphs with George Washington on US Dollar Bills (Gigwise)
Gambling, on Super Bowl — You think you lost money on the Colts Sunday? The Indianapolis Museum of Art lost its esteemed Joseph Mallord William Turner painting “The Fifth Plague of Egypt” to the New Orleans Museum of Art after a trash-talking wager that pitted Indy’s Turner against NOMA’s Claude Lorrain painting “Ideal View of Tivoli.” If Indianapolis doesn’t pony up the Turner piece soon, New Orleans will be sending some thugs to break their Gauguins.
Link: The Bet is Done (Modern Art Notes)
Ice, Vanilla — The short-lived rap superstar talks to DigitalSpy about his eight month relationship with Madonna, saying “it was cool.” You can read more in the rapper’s upcoming autobiography Things About Vanilla Ice…Hey, Where Are you Going? Come back, Do You Need Any Yardwork Done? when it hits newsstands this spring.
Link: Vanilla Ice: “Madonna Romance Was Cool” (DigitalSpy)
Kardashian, Kim — Thrilled about Sunday’s Super Bowl outcome was Keeping Up With the Kardashians star Kim Kardashian, who dates New Orleans Saints running back phenom Reggie Bush. Many mistaken bystanders thought the celebration parade had started early when Kim came running out onto the field appearing to tow a float behind her.
Link: Kim Kardashian at the Super Bowl: Cheering Reggie Bush (Huffington Post)
MTV — As if it needed to be official, MTV has officially redesigned their logo and — finally — announced that they will no longer officially call the channel “Music Television.” If this is news to you, you need to take off your Whitesnake jean jacket. put down the Colecovision joystick and get checked out by a doctor, because you probably also haven’t heard yet that the Nutrasweet fad didn’t turn out so well. It’s 2010, Jack. the closest MTV gets to a music video these days is an iPod commercial.
Link: MTV redesigns logo, drops “Music Television” (Hollywood Reporter)
Shakespeare Company, The Royal — As part of 2011’s Lincoln Center Festival, it was announced yesterday that England’s Royal Shakespeare Company will leave their current headquarters in Stratford-upon-Avon and bring almost the entire company to New York City for a six-week, five-play residency. On one hand, this is a fantastic cultural exchange for America; on the other, I give those Old English-spouting dandies ten minutes before they’re mugged and left penniless in a filthy back alley. Those giant frilly collars are a dead giveaway that they’re from out of town.
Link: Royal Shakespeare Company Announces New York Residency (New York Times)
Les McCann and Eddie Harris — Swiss Movement: Recorded Live at The Montreux Jazz Festival, Switzerland (Atlantic, 1969)
As a noted theologian once put it, “Fuck it. I ain’t gonna lie.” To wit: I’ll go ahead and state for the record that this record didn’t come from the Attic. I bought it a few years ago from CD Central on Euclid Avenue in Lexington, KY. Why did I buy it? Because I’d heard stand-out track “Compared to What” on WRFL, 88.1 FM and thought that the song not only swung like Tarzan DJing a Mad Men-themed cocktail party but also featured the most compelling, passionate use of the word “goddamn” that I’d heard in popular music this side of Steppenwolf’s Hoyt-Axton-penned “The Pusher.”
This piano and sax-driven song (this album, in fact, captured after the principals’ separate sets with their Trio and Quartet) represents the duo’s zenith, both in terms of the popularity of anti-Vietnam single “Compared” and their overall critical and popular high-water mark. But, that is not to say that there aren’t songs of equal or near-equal quality on Swiss Movement. Instrumental tracks such as “Cold Duck Time ” and “You Got It in Your Soulness” more than hold their own.
Although purportedly unrehearsed, the McCann Trio (Les on piano and vocals, Leroy Vinnegar on bass, and Donald Dean on drums), Harris (tenor sax), and Billy Bailey (trumpet) turn in propulsive–sometimes explosive–performances that couldn’t be more timely (as is the case with “Compared”) given their expressive vibrance and explorations of themes of civil rights, unpopular war, and poverty.
And to think that I bought this record solely because I liked the groove and the vehement use of a dirty word! A few spins later, it turns out to be ass-shakingly topical AND one of my favorite live jazz records!
Track list:
- Compared to What
- Cold Duck Time
- Kathleen’s Theme
- You Got It in Your Soulness
- The Generation Gap
Sock it to me!
Alba, Jessica – The Sin City star is distressed that a young Chinese woman wants to undergo plastic surgery to make herself look like the Hollywood star in order to win back her ex-boyfriend. Upon hearing this, the expressionless window mannequin at Macy’s expressed the same disappointment with Heidi Montag.
Link: Alba Look-Alike (NY Daily News)
Bachelor, The – Executive producers for the reality TV show are constantly frustrated by leaks and spoilers, especially those publicized by realitysteve.com blogger Steve Carbone, whose premature unveilings of eliminations, twists and turns are uncannily accurate. Of course, on a “reality” show like The Bachelor, these are only spoilers in the way that “revealing” that Reese Witherspoon would choose her back-home, country-boy husband over her too-cultured New York paramour in Sweet Home Alabama. Get over it, Bachelor. You need the press.
Link: Bachelor Leaks (EW)
Bowl, Super – Kim Kardashian, Holly Madison, and Rosalyn Sanchez hosted a Super Bowl gathering in Miami Friday night called the Leather and Laces Super Bowl party. Given the number of unnaturally tanned clubbers and gratuitous lingerie that were undoubtedly in attendance, the name was entirely appropriate.
Link: Leather, Laces Party (Huffington Post)
Snooki – The Jersey Shore co-star gave a Philly crowd the finger when some started booing her at a chicken-wing eating contest. Look out, Tila Tequila: when it comes to shameless media-hogging, Snooki’s gonna give you a run for your money.
Link: Snooki Salute (TMZ)
Spears, Jamie Lynn – The pregnant-at-16 younger sister of pop star Britney has reportedly split with baby-daddy Casey Aldridge, whom she had dated for over three years. First Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, now this? If Jamie and Casey can’t make it, what hope have we?
Link: Jamie Spears Splits (Monsters And Critics)
Stern, Howard – Rumor has it that shock-jock Howard Stern is being considered as Simon Cowell’s replacement for American Idol judge. Please please please let this happen. I’m a fan of neither show, but putting the two together could make possibly one of TV’s greatest spectacles.
Link: Howard as Idol Judge? (dB Techno)
The Few Last Grains Must One Day Fall: Notes on the Passing of Days of Our Lives’ Frances Reid
There are some deaths of cultural figures that I would never expect to feel in a deeply personal way, until they actually happen.
Usually, I only react with actual emotion (as opposed to curiosity, interest, etc.) when someone whose work I love has passed away, especially when that loss happens far too young. Two examples from the last decade—for millions, not just me: Elliott Smith, who made some of the finest Beatles-esque pop music since, well, the Beatles; and Heath Ledger, whose performance in Brokeback Mountain I still regard as one of the greatest I’ve ever seen. Both men were widely praised and beloved, and I would have loved to see what both would have done in the years and decades following their untimely deaths. Most of all, I wish their families and friends didn’t have to suffer such all-encompassing, unexpected pain.
But every once in a while, there’s a pop culture death whose meaning hits me significantly but unexpectedly. One such event was this week’s passing of Frances Reid, who starred in Days of Our Lives for more than 40 years as Alice Horton, the matriarch of the show’s central family. She was 95.
For those of you that don’t already know, I’m an idiot. A complete, brazen, unchallenged buffoon. I couldn’t feel more inadequate as a music writer than I feel right at this moment and I recommend that you should probably just forego my near-incoherent ramblings and just keep to reading Pitchfork to get your indie rock jones on. If it wouldn’t result in swift and certain death, I’d turn in my Brown Tweed membership card right here and leave your Wednesdays and Saturdays in much more capable hands.
The source of my consternation is my recent discovery of post-rock band Balmorhea. Thanks to the boys over at the always-excellent Citizen Dick, I picked up the latest album from this Austin, Texas group, called All Is Wild, All Is Silent last week. It took me a while to get around to listening to it, but about 15 seconds into the opening song “Settler”, I realized how little I actually knew about music. The song was quite literally breathtaking. I beg you, if you didn’t click the link and listen to the song, do so now and I promise you’ll find yourself moved and uplifted.
I’m not going to do an album review here, I don’t think I could do any better than François Couture did over at Allmusic.com. But let me say that had I heard this album back in early 2009 when it was released it would easily have been one of my top albums of the year. Based on what I’ve heard on All Is Wild, All Is Silent, Balmorhea is an instrumental band complete with banjo, piano, cello, violin, and various other instruments. Even the vocals on this album serve as instrumentation as you are unable to decipher words from what is sung.
The songs vary in length, but all share a melodic pop sensibility. This isn’t postmodern atonal ear garbage–you can hum and sing along to these songs and you will find yourself swaying to the strong internal rhythms. I don’t know much about the band, but I’d be surprised if George Winston weren’t a strong influence as I hear much of his piano and arrangement style in some of the songs.
Word on the street is that All Is Wild, All Is Silent is something of a departure from previous Balmorhea albums, and if this is truly the case I’m ecstatic with the band’s decision to branch out. Like Sigur Ros and The Six Parts Seven, they prove that popular rock and orchestral music can share many commonalities without being pretentious and uptight. I challenge anyone who loves music to listen to this album without feeling uplifted and amazed.
So here I sit, kicking myself that I didn’t discover this band earlier and feeling completely inadequate to describe their sound adequately. The best I can say is just go and listen to them. You can stream all of All Is Wild, All Is Silent at Last.fm if you want to take a test drive before buying. The band will also release their new album, Constellations, on February 23 on Western Vinyl records. As for me, I’m heading back into my cave to see what other great music I can completely strike out on this year.
Two months ago, I wrote about the ridiculous transformation that has occurred in the lives of we late-term Gen X-ers in regards to pop-culture access. An awesome summary of this idea is exhibited on Werewolves and Lollipops by Patton Oswalt, one of the best comics around (making the LA scene, fighting crime with Brian Posehn). In that bit, he talks about his suburban DC youth, where the groundbreaking punk-rock of Fugazi, Minor Threat and Bad Brains was completely unknown to him because of flaws in the cultural distribution system. There were a miniscule group of gatekeepers who determined which film/band/comedian/artist were worthy of publicity, and most of them pushed milquetoast crap like Gallagher. Outside of Late Night with David Letterman, MTV’s 120 Minutes or occasional moments on A&E’s An Evening at the Improv, anything remotely edgy was kept as far as possible from mainstream media outlets. Beginning with gutsy decisions by the premium cable networks as the previous century came to a close, coupled with an explosion of DIY online programming (Funnyordie.com and Channel101.com), the big four networks have made a valiant effort to offer an entertaining experience to more discerning viewers. Despite my lack of interest in the whole “reality” trend, there has been more Great Television Shows in the last ten years than the entire pre-2000 TV era combined – that’s right, I said it! Next time you are able to pull yourself away from the multiple DVDs of The Sopranos, The Wire, Peep Show or Friday Night Lights that are stacked on your coffee table, obtain a couple seasons of sitcoms you liked as a kid, like Diff’rent Strokes, Three’s Company, Mama’s Family, or Roseanne – all of which were considered somewhat controversial in their era. You will be amazed at just how sloooow they are, and not slow like Parks and Recreation, where an awkward exchange is allowed to linger for maximum comedy/creepiness, but slow as in “Wow, this is so freaking boring.” Fifteen seconds will be devoted to a character entering a room, opening a newspaper and sitting there, with no comedic or narrative purpose whatsoever. The truly funny moments, like Mr. Drummond catching Willis smoking marijuana or the Conner parents disciplining Darlene, stood out like a lame cliche, surrounded by what now seems like clunky plot-devices and ho-hum dialogue that went nowhere. You remember laughing your arse off at age 12, but now, you watch and ask “What was the big deal?” The current generation of youth will never have to tolerate a world where their only media options are The Brady Bunch re-runs or infomercials. This, I have to say, scares the living shite out of me.
Biel, Jessica — The actress, promoting the star-studded money magnet Valentine’s Day, spoke to Jay Leno about her recent climb of Japan’s Mt. Kilimanjaro and revealed that when nature calls at 19,230 feet, you just “find a rock and go.” If you’re keeping count, America, this puts the reasons behind global warming and the melting of the ice caps at 57% an increase of greenhouse gases, 33% the effect of CFCs on the depleting ozone layer, 9.99% earth’s growing population and .0001% Jessica Biel pee.
Link: Jessica Biel Eats Crickets on Leno (Huffington Post)
Brandy — The pop singer has just inked a deal with music channel VH1 to star in Brandy and Ray J: A Family Business, a reality show based on the daily lives of the singer and her brother. The crux of each episode, assumedly, will be Brandy’s ongoing attempts to lead a respectable life as a musician, songwriter and mother while her zany brother keeps trotting dirty tramps through the house as part of his own reality television show. No word yet whether rocker Bret Michaels will play the wacky next door neighbor.
Link: VH1 Signs Brandy, Ray J (Variety)
Kelly, R. – Hip Hop virtuoso R. Kelly released a short video on Twitter yesterday that announced he has fifteen more chapters of his musical/literary masterpiece Trapped in the Closet ready to go, — but he claims that he “needs to feel that it’s what we want,” and asks the public to let him know. That’s a huge affirmative, R. Kelly. Here’s the Twitter video, but I highly recommend that as you sit there at work, staring out the window this Friday, you consider giving in to the episodes of Trapped in the Closet I have linked below. It’s like crack. Terrible, terrible, awesome hip hop soap opera crack. I dare you to stop at just one.
Link: Trapped in the Closet (IFC)
Wahoo, The Friday — Like The Big Bang Theory but can’t stand all those meddlesome laugh track moments that show you when to laugh? Be glad those are there, because the following YouTube video illustrates just how creepy and awkward things would be for everyone if it weren’t.
Link: The Big Bang Theory Minus Laughter (YouTube)
White, Jack – White has announced an innovative new idea for his Nashville-based label Third Man Records, which includes the opportunity for bands to visit Third Man and perform a live concert, have the live recording made available for fans, and record an album in the Third Man studios during their visit. On one hand, this seems to be a great idea for struggling or up-and-coming bands to both find exposure and press their first albums — but on the other hand, it’s just phase three of Jack White’s nefarious plan to become a part of every band in America.
Link: Jack White’s Third Man Records Starts Live-Show Vinyl Series (Paste)
Winger, Kip — Frontman Kip Winger, of the late 80’s hair band Winger, went underground when the grunge era hit. During that time, he’s been studying classical music for the past 17 years. The result? A symphonic creation called “Ghosts,” which will appear, cheorographed, on stage at the San Francisco Ballet next Tuesday. The plot revolves around a hungry girl named Madalaine who, despite only being seventeen, is hangin’ on to a poison angel who takes her higher and higher. When she realizes she’s headed for a heartbreak, and that she’s in a state of emergency, she decides it’s time to surrender and moves on with her life — without the night.
Link: “Ghosts” Resurrects Kip Winger’s Career (San Francisco Chronicle)
Work, Men at — Aussie band Men At Work owes years of royalties after an Australian court has ruled that they stole a flute melody from a famous campfire song for use in their early 80’s hit “Down Under.” Those of you concerned can have your first good night of sleep in thirty years. You know, they say these types of news stories happen in threes — we can only hope Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” and Quarterflash’s “Harden My Heart” aren’t the next to fall.
Link: Men at Work Guilty of Ripping Off “Land DownUnder” Melody (Huffington Post)
We Tweederati realize there are different types of geeks, and there are degrees of overlap on the geek Venn diagram. Myself, I’m a pretty old school sci-fi geek, yet I’ve never gotten into, say, Dr. Who. Far be it from me to judge people who do enjoy Dr. Who.
As a geek with a modest amount of disposable income, I am an occasional patron of Entertainment Earth, an online retailer of pop culture toys & collectibles. Particularly, I’m a fan of the Flash Gordon action figures. I must have them all, including both Prince Barin variants! Unfortunately, the one with the big-ass gun doesn’t include a tripod for him to needlessly kick over. (If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about.) I demand accuracy in my action figures! Oh well, I guess I’ll have to just imagine a tripod when I play with…I mean…display them.
Additionally, The Big Lebowski action figures and various Dexter bobbleheads have also caught my discerning eye. Alas, there are as yet no Spaceballs dolls.
But in addition to this fairly mainstream, geeky movie/TV stuff, EntEarth also sells a HUGE assortment of weird anime/manga figures. Twelve-inch-tall figures of schoolgirls flashing their panties. Obscure, scantily clad anime characters in submissive poses. Removable clothing! Kung-fu grip! (If you know what I mean.)
Some of their stuff would make Larry Flynt blush. Look at the prices! 120 ducats for a statue you have to hide when mom or (God forbid) a girl comes over.
I get anime/manga in general, I really do. But why would someone pay money for statues of naked Japanese cartoon characters? What’s the market for these? I can’t really imagine why anyone would buy anything like this. Except for this, which is awesome and would of course look great on the mantelpiece of any home.
According to a TMZ report this week, two trademark applications have been filed for THE SITUATION, apparently to cash in on the 15 minutes of fame of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from MTV’s “Jersey Shore.” Never to let a “celebrity” trademark issue pass us by, TBTS investigated to get at the details.
As it turns out, a company called Vadio, LLC, based out of (you guessed it) New Jersey filed an intent-to-use application (which means it hasn’t started using the mark yet) for the words THE SITUATION on a laundry list of clothing items, from sweat pants to sport coats, and pajamas to pantaloons (seriously). Vadio’s application was filed on December 11 of last year.
Naughty Limited, LLC, a Las Vegas company (which is, according to TMZ, owned by The Situation’s brother) then filed a use-based application for THE SITUATION in stylized form on December 28. According to Naughty’s application, it first used the mark on December 21.
Even though Naughty claims to have used the mark before Vadio, because Vadio’s intent-to-use application established a “constructive” priority date of December 11, at this point Vadio’s application would trump Naughty’s. However, neither applicant is on the road to Situation riches. Here are four reasons why.
1. He may be a douche, but he’s a douche with rights. As an initial matter, both applicants are going to have a problem because neither can honestly say that they are unaware of any other person with a legal right to use THE SITUATION as a trademark for related goods. Applicants must swear to this when submitting an application. While they might argue that The Situation’s “situation” only refers to abs and not neckties, they are clearly intending to cash in on the value (whatever that may be) of that infamous mark.
The Situation would be well within his rights to proceed with filing his own trademark application; while his application will be suspended due to the two prior applications pending in the trademark office, he can then wait until the other applications are published for opposition in order to file an opposition proceeding (a procedural matter that allows trademark owners the ability to prevent this very sort of thing). However, The Situation does not have to file his own application to oppose the applications – to the extent that he uses THE SITUATION as a trademark, his “common law” rights in the mark already exist and a registration would only enhance those rights. Therefore, he can merely wait for the other applications to be published and assert his common law rights.
2. You gotta be bona fide. Vadio mistakenly thought it would get broader protection by including a laundry list of goods on its application. In reality, Vadio’s greed may be its undoing. When filing an intent-to-use application, you must have a bona fide intent to use the mark as claimed. This threshold is not extraordinarily high but, if challenged, the applicant must be able to prove its intent to use the mark on all of the listed goods. Not only could The Situation attack Vadio on this point, Naughty could as well because if a bona fide intent was lacking then Vadio’s application is void.
While I am sure these knuckle-draggers aren’t the most intellectual of fellows, this fruit is hanging low enough even for them. Honestly, how hard could it be to prove that Vadio really didn’t intend to use the mark on turtle necks, thermal socks and cravats?
3. Your ornamental is showing. Another problem that both applicants could have is that merely placing a logo on an item does not mean that the mark is functioning as a trademark. The Patent & Trademark Office takes a dim view of applications for t-shirts and the like when the item of clothing is nothing more than a delivery mechanism for a catchy phrase. Unless the mark is on the tag (like “Fruit of the Loom”) or in some other place to signify that the mark informs consumers of the shirt’s origin, the mark is generally considered ornamental.
An applicant can overcome this finding by showing that the mark is used in another way where it actually functions as a trademark. For instance, if a band applies for a mark in connection with live performances and sound recordings, its no big deal to add t-shirts as well. The meat of the trademark protection stems from the band’s main focus of performing live and selling records; because they do these things, they’re allowed to throw some t-shirts into the mix as well.
If Naughty is claiming its rights through or on behalf of The Situation then its application could do well – it can point to The Situation’s role on the TV show and assert that the mark is used primarily in connection with television entertainment. However, if The Situation’s brother is simply trying to cash in on this thing on his own, he likely painted himself into a corner because its only claimed uses of the mark would be viewed as ornamental.
Vadio is almost certainly out of luck on the ornamental front, though its other fatal flaws will probably kill the application before it fights this battle. The examiner of this application won’t have the opportunity to evaluate whether the mark is ornamental until a specimen is filed and, since Vadio’s application is an intent-to-use, the specimen probably won’t be filed until after the opposition period, which will be the most likely cause of death for Vadio’s near-brush with almost-fame.
4. My, what a naughty specimen you have. A specimen is supposed to show the mark as it is used in real life. For instance, a picture of a soda bottle or the packaging for a toy would be good specimens. Naughty provided several artist renderings of a thong, boy shorts and couple of t-shirts. However, these appear more like proofs than actual products. While it depends on the how picky the examiner is who reviews the application, I suspect that Naughty’s specimen might be inadequate. This is not fatal if Naughty can provide substitute specimens that show actual products and it can honestly say that these products were being marketed to the public as of the first use date alleged in its original application. If The Situation wanted to take on this battle, he could require proof of this use; if Naughty can’t provide it then The Situation would have a good shot at success.
TBTS prediction: Vadio’s application will be challenged by Naughty and/or The Situation and Vadio will ultimately lose. If Naughty’s man in charge is a naughty boy and trying to cash in on his brother’s ab-tastic identity, its application will also go down. The Situation will get his situation back, though unfortunately for him, the whole process would likely take at least three years, meaning that he’ll have his registered mark 2 years, 364 days, 23 hours and 45 minutes too late.
